Spring Term

Wow. I don’t even know how to describe how my term has been going. Its been frustrating, that’s for damn sure. My depression has been hitting harder than normal and I am confident that it has to do with the added stress of this term.

The most worrisome thing is that this has been making me miss class and I have not been writing at all. I was so proud of the damn 700 words that I have knocked out these past few days its depressing. I’ve been forcing myself to do research for my novel and its been rough. I had no clue that finding information about the American army’s preparation for D-Day in Great Britain.

I haven’t been blogging a lot for various other reasons. Most of the time I’m not so sure what I should be blogging about.  I really hate blogging about my depression, even if it does make me feel better, because it makes me feel like a whiny bitch.

For a more interesting blog post (with pictures!) check out my tumblr: http://bemaslanka.tumblr.com/

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Fighting Again

I have not posted since last month. Last month I was in a completely different situation. It’s weird how and when depression decided to show up. Last month I was under a lot of stress between petty drama and finals. I wasn’t nearly as depressed then as I am now. It’s hard for me to explain it, to put it out there.

All that I can say is that I am fighting it. I am going to school everyday, going to lab to do my research and coming home. Safely. My muse had run off for the time being and I feel as if that may be a contributing factor. It has been a rather odd depression. Several days have found myself lying in bed, staring at the cluttered shelves the hang over my bed. My limbs feeling like concrete, my mind unfocused. I was literally to depressed to move. To depressed to get out of bed. To depressed to think.

I hope to get back to writing soon. I am attending my first writers conference in a week. I have my fingers crossed that it is what I need to pull me out of this hole. Even if it only pulls me up a little bit, as long as I don’t feel to depressed to write anymore, I will be happy.

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Drought (Adult Content)

Here is yet another post for the fabulous and flaw-free Absolute Write’s March blog chain. This post has some slight adult content.

 

Every time it rains, I think of you. The heavy sound of sideways rain against my bedroom window always catches my attention and all of my focus flies away from me. All that I can think of is you.

The hidden kisses outside of the library, the muted giggles coming from the other side of a locked wood door. The rain brings back all the memories that I have of you. Your warm hands ghosting over my shivering stomach, the dull ache for you pooling between my legs.

Every time our embrace ended, I prayed that we would meet again. It has know been several months since we last met in the rain and I worry about you. This drought has brought on more hardship than I had expected it too.

I pull myself up every morning and anxiously run outside to look at the sky. I hope and pray that I will see those damned gray clouds, but I never do. I sigh and sulk back inside to make my self a coup of tea.

When the tea is made, I throw it against the window. I watch the droplets roll down the window pane and smile to myself, wish that it were rain.

Check out these other fantastic participants!
orion_mk3Ralph Pines Nissie Lyra JeanDomoviyemagicmintareteus julzperrihillaryjacquesTurndog-Millionaire AFord pyrosamaTomspy77ronbwritingJ. W. Alden

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Compulsive email checking, Writing Conferences & IRC

I haven’t been writing much at all, my personal life has been a hot mess the past week. My novel sits at steady 12,000 words and its starting to get dusty. I just haven’t been able to find the motivation to do anything but sleep and stare at my gmail inbox. I have been impatiently waiting an email from a friend of mine. I start to get worried about people when they don’t email me back with in 12-hours. So i keep on sitting here, looking up from my papers every few minutes to see if an email has arrived yet.

If you are reading this my emailed friend, I drew a picture. Send me feedback on it dammit!

Anyways, I have been spending my last few hours in the Absolute Write’s IRC chat room. It took me a good twenty minutes to figure out Ice Chat (and I doubt I will figure it out ever again). I kinda like it, its a lot cleaner looking than the java chat room and it was worth it being a pain in the ass. Anyways, we started talking about writing conferences and conventions. I have found one that I really like, but I can’t afford the registration fee ($500!!). So I am going to have to chose between summer classes at my university and writers conferences.

Stupid first world problems.

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The Imaginary Hallway

This is a short story written for Absolute Write’s blog chain. The prompt was “second chances”.

 

I have never been lucky enough to be granted a second chance. Every few months it seems as if I am getting steps closer to the opened door that is my chance. And then, that door is rudely slammed closed when I am only mere inches away. I always just sigh and sulk back down the hallway, away from the door of would be chance.

This imaginary hallway of mine came about many years ago. This imaginary hallway has turned my life to shit. The door at the end of it sits there and mocks me of my screw-ups and failed motivations. It reminds me of how little I have changed over the years. I’m still just as unmotivated and I still fail to think before I act.

When I exit the hallway, with my head hung low, I am always greeted with a floating plate of fried chips. I stop and greedily shove the chips into my mouth. I follow the floating plate into a smoking room and sit at a dimly lit bar. When I finish inhaling the chips, a glass of ice slides up the counter to me and is filled by an invisible bartender with bottom shelf whiskey.

I moan and groan to the bartender about my current problems. He nods along as I speak and then asks if the door closed on me again. I nod my head in response and ask him how he knew what happened. He tells me that the floating plate told him.

“Ah, yes.” I say, of course the plate told him! How could I be so stupid? I chuckle to myself and the glass is refilled with the soft amber liquid that sooths my sadness. It’s a sad day when your own imagination knows what is going on before you do. I empty the glass in a single gulp and clang it against the bar singling that I wanted a refill.

The barkeep shakes his head no, explaining that it is due time to cut me off. I argue with him, “I’ve only had two drinks” I exclaim “I have money, I can pay for more!” I am now wildly flapping my arms around. The bartender keeps firm. He tells me that sitting in a bar and drinking will not make the door open up again.

I sigh, he is right. Drinking and sitting on a barstool so long that my ass becomes so numb that I can’t tell my ass from the floor isn’t going to make the damn door magically open. Thinking of the door opening brings back wild and vivid memories of the time that I was the closest. I remember when I was standing there in front of the door, too afraid to take another step forward.

The door was open wider this time. Normally it was only ajar but this time it was wide open and I could see inside. Just on the other side, golden light filtered out and warmed my face. I could see the outline of a masculine body and my heart fluttered. Short stature, muscular arms and legs with alfalfa like hair. It had to be him.

I battled my anxiety and took one step forward. My eyelids started to felt heavy and I closed them. I felt lips softly touch mine and I was sure that my heart was about to explode in my chest. Suddenly, a poof of air rushed my face and blows my hair back. I opened my eyes and saw that the door had once again been slammed in my face. Tears started to form in my eyes and I shook my head to fight them off. I had been so very close to having a second chance.

I turned away, shifting my feet as if they were made of solid stone. With a deep sigh, I muster up what little strength that I have left and shuffled down the hallway. My mind was void of all thoughts until a craving for comfort food hit me and I smiled, looking forward to the plate of chips that I knew would be at the end of the hallway.

 

Check out more posts from the blog chain;
Turndog-Millionaire –  orion_mk3Ralph PinesmagicmintTomspy77LilGreenBookwormLiterateParakeetAFordwritingismypassionSuzanneSeesekiwiviktor81randi.leeThese Mean StreetsareteusDomoviyepyrosamajulzperri Nissiein_onesambgood

How Did I Get Here?

Its nearly midnight and I’m half awake. I laid down nearly three hours ago and started my bed time ritual:

  • Turn on ceiling fan for soft noise and to keep the room nice and cold (I prefer to cuddle up under many blankets).
  • Pull up Futurama or Family Guy or Cleveland Show episodes on Netflix.
  • Listen to episodes, slowly turning down laptop screen brightness and volume until sleep happens.
  • If the above fails, whip out Kindle and read until sleep happens.
  • If that fails, give up and get online, its better than tossing and turning for hours on end.

Sadly I tried my hardest to fall asleep, but every time I paused Netflix and closed my eyes, thoughts would fly into my head. Depressing thoughts. I couldn’t shut them up, no matter what I countered them with. I kept opening my eyes until they burned and then trying to fall back asleep. My mind would not quite down and let me be.

It is as if my own mind hates me. It feels the need to constantly remind me of how much I have fucked up recently and in the past. Soon a friend will be graduating and we just finally have started to some what mend our haphazard relationship. After he graduates, I will probably never see him again and that kills me. When ever I think about it, my chest starts to constrict and I feel my muscles burning.

I had always been told that depression made you what to sleep all the time. I will gladly trade my depression for that depression.

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My Muse


It is so nice to be on good terms with my muse again. Recently we got back in contact and have been chatting online. We’ve been chatting about everything from biochemistry, to our relationships, to foods we’ve recently tried and many other topics. Hopefully we will be meeting up soon, I would love to share some of the writing that I have been working on.

It’s been close to a year since me and him have seen each other. I’m so excited I went and bought a new dress for the occasion. Of course it was an excellent excuse to go and shop. Any excuse to go to H&M is a good one (or at least that what I tell myself).

It is perfect timing, soon I will be posting a short story (flash fiction) for the Absolute Write’s blog chain. I am very excited to be apart of this months chain and hopefully I will get a lot of hits on that post. Please feel to leave critique on my writing when that post appears, I really could use as much help as I can get. Hopefully it wont be a ripe, pile of shit. As long as it’s better than My Immortal, I think that I will be happy with it.

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Stuck In A Rut

I’m stuck, its as if my brain just stopped working, as if my creativity is dead. The past few days have been full of being unproductive, hoping that the snow will go away and sipping cheap wine. Yes, I got my awful BioChem homework done along with my other chemistry homework but that doesn’t make up for my lack of writing. Of course sitting here, blogging and watching that new show on Fox about Alcatraz isn’t helping me. The show is very similar to my favorite show The X-Files, it’s almost creepy.

Anyways, I recently bought two different pieces writing software, WriteItNow and WriteWay Pro. I used WriteWay Pro for NaNoWriMo 2011 and I loved it. After reading a post on WriteItNow on Absolute Write’s forums I decided to check out the demo. I really like the ability to change the colors of the interference but found the character options annoying. When setting the age, you could only give birthdays and it shows the age the character would be today. I couldn’t find a way to change that. Sorry but my characters are 200 years old. So I went back to my lovely WriteWay Pro.

As for now my novel is about 13% completed.

P.S. I hope to open a twitter account soon. :)

EDIT: Twitter is here

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Book Reviews are NOT for Authors

One of my biggest guilty pleasures is surfing Oh No They Didn’t on LiveJournal. It’s a celebrity gossip site that has an occasional book post. My fandom of choice is Harry Potter, so of course when a book post about Cassie Claire appears, I just can’t resist reading the post. I’m not going to explain Ms. Claire, for information about why she is (in)famous on the internet you can check out this wiki post.

While I was reading through the comments (the best part of ONTD) I came across a link to a status update on a website. This status update was from a reader who had been personally attacked by an author for leaving a negative review about her book. I was disgusted and became enraged as I read on. This author went as far as to ask people to go on to Amazon.com and vote “NO” on all of her reviews.

From all of the replies to the status and reading reviews on Amazon, here is what I could gather about the author;

  • Her novel is in the young adult genre
  • She is a first time author (meaning that this is her first published work)
  • It is a near plagiarism of Twilight (several reviews on various sites have pointed this out)

I couldn’t give a damn if you are J.K Rowling or Stephen King, you do not act like this. A kindergartener could tell you that. This is the most unprofessional behavior I have seen by an author in a long time. To me, this is worse than plagiarism. Reviews are not for you, Ms Author. Reviews are for readers.

I am very firm on this belief. As a writer I understand that not everyone is going to like my writing and some people are going to have strong feelings of dislike for it. This doesn’t bother me because I write for myself. I write because I enjoy it. I do have plans to published some of my fiction soon, but not because I want fans. I want to be published because I would feel so accomplished, even if my book tanked in sales.

In a case like this it looks like the author let her ego get in the way.  When you have this big of an ego after only publishing ONE book (ever), that is a major red flag to me that this is a deep seeded issue. I don’t think her career is saveable after this. Even if she picked up a new pen name and published a book with that new name, her ego would still be a major problem.

I do want to point out that if you are a published author or even just a fanfic author who has posted online, reviving a negative review about your work is NOT the same as reviving a personal attack in a “review”. If you are being personally attacked by someone report the review for being inappropriate. Personal attacks are never okay and should not be tolerated.

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